For some time now, we as a society have looked at the way that we treat our children and have begun to make a collective decision that it is not acceptable for children to be hurt physically or sexually, or killed. This is the right choice. Now, however, it is time to move beyond the limits of looking at physical and sexual abuse and deal with an ongoing epidemic: that of verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse should not be confused with firmness on the part of parents or caregivers. Children need guidance to grow up to be well-adjusted adults. Verbal abuse is different. It is an ongoing pattern of hurtful words that humiliate and shame those who are on the receiving end of them. Verbal abuse never produces anything except painful wounds.

Many parents and caregivers who would never even think of physically abusing a child are verbal abusers. Many have no idea that they are verbally abusive. How can this be? For many, they are merely repeating the kinds of things that they heard as children. They don't see their own parents as verbally abusive, so how could their words be abusive?

It has been my experience that by far, most parents and caregivers want the best for their children. I have never met someone (although I know they exist) who abused for the enjoyment of having the power to dominate and humiliate their children. The parents I most often meet want to be good parents; quite often, however, they have very poor information about how to motivate, educate, and guide their children.

Cruel words may be said for a variety of reasons, including the following:

• a parent's level of frustration and fear over some behavior or trait that their child is exhibiting;
• an attempt to motivate a child who seems to lack motivation;
• a parent's own need for self care that has gone unattended for too long;
• an attempt at conflict resolution;
• an attempt at setting limits or disciplining the child;
• a lack of information about effective ways of handling their children; or
• a parent’s typical way of relating to the world, which may be inappropriate in interactions with children.

What, then, are some guidelines for stopping the verbal abuse of children?

• NEVER, EVER, for any reason, call a child a name or refer to the child using a hurtful term.
• DON'T use words like stupid, idiot, moron, etc. to address a child -- for ANY reason.
• DON'T verbally compare a child to someone that the child knows you don't like or respect.
• DON'T verbally compare a child to a sibling or playmate with whom the child doesn't "measure up".
• DON'T keep a mental list of all of the things that a child has done, hasn't done, isn't good at, etc. Instead, make a point to catch the child doing something well -- all children have things that they do well, even if it is something small like, "Jimmy, I really like how you play quietly with your toys". You will be amazed at how much more effective praise is than verbal abuse.
• DO remember to tell children things that you like about them. Make sure the child knows you like them for who they are and not just for what they do.
• DO remember that you can learn to get appropriately angry with a child without becoming verbally abusive. When you are angry, make sure to tell the child that it is the child’s behavior that you don’t like, not the child that you don’t like.
• DO remember that it is never effective to hurt a child with your words.
• DO try to remember how things felt to you when you were a child; if something hurt you then, chances are it will hurt a child now. Don't assume that it's okay to say some things simply because they were said to you, you have heard others say them, or they feel good to you to say (because they relieve your anger or fear).
• DO keep in mind that you are an important role model for the children in your life. If they hear you using positive verbal language, they are more likely to use positive language with others.

Lauren Murphy Payne is former member of the board of directors of Prevent Child Abuse Wisconsin, as well as a psychotherapist and certified Independent Clinical Social Worker who has been in private practice for over ten years. Her areas of expertise include adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, family dysfunction, eating disorders, mood disorders, relationship dysfunction, parenting and child rearing.