Take responsibility
The first step in learning how to deal with anger is understanding that you are responsible for your anger and you have control over it. Parents, like many people, frequently view anger as outside of their control. Sometimes people feel like victims of their anger and think that it is other people or situations that make them angry. For example, you warned your child to move his glass away from the edge of the table, he didn’t, and now it has spilled. You could become upset, but you could also react to this situation without feeling angry. Think about it. It’s likely that on other occasions you have faced the same situation, but you didn’t feel angry then. Maybe you were better rested that day or you had a better day at work so you were feeling more tolerant. Circumstances change and that influences how you view things. How you regard the situation is what causes you to feel angry, not the situation itself—which means you have control over your anger!

Have realistic expectations
You know that children aren’t miniature adults, but sometimes it’s easy to forget. At different ages children are capable of different things. For example, while it’s reasonable to expect your 12-year-old to be able to sit quietly and eat neatly in a fancy restaurant, it is unrealistic to expect a two-year-old to do so. Toddlers are just learning how to feed themselves and they don’t have the ability to eat neatly. They also aren’t capable of understanding that there are some places where you need to behave differently than others.

Many parents become especially angry when their children break the rules they have set. While it is parents’ job to teach rules, it is children’s job to test them! By making mistakes, children learn. If you set rules and expect your children to test them, you will feel a lot less frustrated when it happens. By learning more about child development and what you can expect of your children at different ages, you will understand your children better. That means you’ll be better prepared and less likely to feel angry when you don’t like their behavior.

Don’t take it personally
Sometimes babies cry and cry. Sometimes strangers give you nasty looks when your toddler throws a tantrum. And sometimes older children say hurtful things when they are frustrated. As hard as it may be, try not to take these things personally. It’s easy to feel inadequate at parenting, but sometimes we are too quick to assume responsibility for things we aren’t responsible for and that only makes us feel bad about ourselves—and when we feel bad about ourselves we are more likely to become angry. Remember, it’s important to be realistic. It’s normal for babies to cry—they don’t do it to upset you, it’s just their way of communicating. It’s also normal for toddlers to throw tantrums. The fact that someone gives you a dirty look may be an indication that they are having a bad day or don’t understand normal child development. It’s not necessarily a reflection of your ability to handle your child. And remember when you were a teen? You probably said some things out of frustration you didn’t mean, too.

Reconsider your rationalizations
Many parents tell themselves that only when they get angry do their children pay attention to them, and in a way this may be true. Parents and children can fall into a cycle in which parents find that if they become angry, their child stops misbehaving. At first this method seems to pay off. But then each time your child misbehaves you get angry again, and pretty soon you’re getting angry very often. Your child has learned that good behavior is only necessary when you’re angry and that’s NOT what you want! There are better ways to teach your children how to behave. Take some time to try out other discipline methods. And be patient—it will take time for your children to learn that you don’t have to get angry in order to help them learn to behave.

Challenge your thoughts
Do you ever catch yourself thinking in terms of “shoulds,” “can’ts,” or “musn’ts”? For example, when your child misbehaves do you think things like “My child SHOULDN’T misbehave” or “I CAN’T stand it when my child misbehaves”? These negative messages create unrealistic expectations and, once again, make it more likely you will feel angry. After all, children DO misbehave and you WILL survive your child’s misbehavior even if you don’t like it. Next time you start thinking in these ways stop and ask yourself if what you are thinking is really true. If it’s not true (and it won’t be!), then think about what is true and what you can do to make the situation more bearable.

Anticipate situations that frustrate you and prepare yourself for a calm response
There are certain things that tend to make each of us angry. For instance, you may be someone who gets angry if your child brings home a poor report card. If you expect that you will see lower grades on the report card than you would like, take some time before you open it to think about how you can respond in a calm way. You could think of some questions you want to ask your child in order to learn more about why he struggled or you could think about helping him make a plan for what he could do differently next time.

If you become angry, recognize the feeling and work to calm yourself down
When you start to feel your blood pressure rising and you starting to feel angry, do something healthy to relieve your tension. Take a walk, count to ten, call a friend, or listen to music. Do something that makes you feel better. If you didn’t catch yourself before you became angry, take some time when you are no longer upset and think about how you could handle the situation differently if it ever happens again.

Anger is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to be the only way you deal with things. By learning how to manage your anger you can build a more positive relationship with your child and add to your enjoyment of being a parent.

Source: Barrish, H. and Barrish, I.J. (1989). Managing and Understanding Parental Anger.